I was torn on what to title this post: ”Vacation Number Two,” “Yo Yosemite,” “Get Back to Earth,” “Best Yoga Studio Ever” … but “How To Poop In The Woods” seemed too perfect, for way too many reasons. I spent the first week of August backcountry camping in Yosemite with 14 other fabulous people who thought lugging 45-pound packs for five miles, camping along Snow Creek Falls with Half Dome watching over us and taking two yoga classes a day was a great way to go on vacation. Weirdos, I know. The best weirdos ever, if you ask me.
We day-hiked, we camped, we yoga’d – layering up and down from thermal underwear to tank tops and back again as the sun shifted to and fro behind different peaks – we swam, we ate amazing food, we went gaga over meadows of lupine, tiger lilies and butterflies, we sniffed the butterscotch bark of jeffrey pines, we spotted shooting stars, wild grouse and rattlesnakes, we listened as bears inspected our goods late at night, we laughed (a lot), we got dirty (really, really dirty), we honored the people and places that mean the most to us, we played charades and … perhaps most importantly, hilarious, delightfully … we learned how to poop in the woods.
In a nutshell:
1) Talk about it. Nothing, nothing, makes pooping in the woods more uncomfortable than having to sneak around to do it. An honest and funny conversation about how to properly dispose of poop (e.g. digging holes, marking “poop graves”, etc) and why pooping with the best view possible is sooooooo satisfying, makes alllllll the difference; it becomes a source of pride to grab the bathroom bag and head off beyond camp.
2) Drink water. Hydration is key to achieving and maintaining properly flowing pipes whether you’re trying to stay regular at home, abroad or at 6,600 feet.
3) Eat the right foods. Oh, it’s tempting to stock up on Pop Tarts and Ramen, but if you’re over say… 16, it’s time to step it up. Soluble fiber (e.g. beans, whole grains, etc) is key, key, key to preventing and relieving both diarrhea and constipation. Insoluble fiber (e.g. veggies) is also important for maintaining regularity.
4) Relax. Be present, letting go of mental, emotional, and physical tension or reaching. Just be where you are and let yourself relax.
5) Find the best view ever. Watching dawn break over Half Dome while doing your business = best poop EVER.
Now that I think about it, pooping in the woods is a lot like living everyday life (talk about things, drink water, eat right, relax, find a good view). But let’s get back to number 3: Eat the right foods. Remember soluble fiber from above? Yeah it’s good for your body, but guess what else? It’s deeeeeelicious. Here’s my version of the fabulous lentil stew/dal our guides made for our last dinner in the wilderness.
Kylah’s Lentils
1 C lentils (dry)
2 medium-small carrots, thinly sliced
1 small onion, medium dice
1/2 medium poblano pepper, finely diced (add more of the pepper, if you want more heat)
1 medium zucchini, quartered length-wise and thinly sliced
1 t gharam masala
pinch cayene pepper (or more, to taste)
water
1/4 C coconut butter
olive oil
salt and pepper, to taste
Rinse and soak lentils over night* (cover with water, about an inch above beans, leave on counter and protect with a dish towel). Before you’re ready to cook, drain and rinse the lentils in a strainer and set aside.
In a medium pot, saute onion and poblano pepper in a little olive oil (one turn of the bottle) over medium-high heat until onion begins to turn translucent, then add the gharam masala, cayene and a pinch or two of salt and pepper.
Cook the spices with the onion/pepper for a minute, then add the carrots and zucchini.
Keep cooking until zucchini begins to soften a little, then add lentils and water – you want enough water (~1 1/2 to 2 C) so you can see it, but not enough to cover everything.
Stir well to fully incorporate lentils into vegetables (the legumes may seem way outnumbered but don’t worry, they’re little fighters and will dominate in the end). Reduce heat to the lower side of medium, cover and simmer for an hour, stirring occasionally to make sure everything’s okay (e.g. the water hasn’t evaporated leaving the lentils and veggies to burn).
Now, the secret ingredient: coconut butter.
Start with 1/4 C, stir well, let simmer a few minutes and taste. Adjust spices – add more gharam masala, cayenne, salt or pepper to taste – and add just a little more coconut butter if you want things creamier (as it simmers and sits later, the lentils will thicken up a little more, so you don’t need to go super crazy with the coconut butter).
Simmer for another 20 minutes. Serve with rice and/or flatbread (e.g. naan or chapati). I really don’t know how to describe how creamy and decadent this is. The coconut butte gives the lentils a “wait, what is that taste? It reminds me of India and Thailand, and, something else” quality, but it’s so yummy your guests won’t waste anymore time puzzling it out because they’ll be too busy scarfing down their bowls of beans. By the way, left-overs make an awesome Indian burrito or go nicely over polenta.
*Note about prepping legumes: Most people don’t presoak their lentils. I never did before and suffered mightily for it. There are two legumes that I avoid – black beans and, to a slightly lesser extent, lentils. Most people feel some… let’s call it “digestive challenge” when eating beans. Those babies pack a high-fiber punch, so it’s no surprise that eating them leads to all manner of digestive excitement. If you’re lucky, you get a little extra gas, maybe an ill-time toot in public; if you’re unlucky, you can get intense intestinal cramps for days.
There are a few ways to make legumes less of a digestive challenge for your body. (1) Make sure they are well-cooked, which means soaked for an appropriate period of time, rinsed afterward and then cooked long enough. (2) You can add a piece of kombu (a type of seaweed) to beans as they cook – kombu is credited with magically making the beans more digestible (remove before serving or processing). (3) You can also process your beans (blend them like hummus or refried beans) to give your stomach and small intestine a head start on breaking them down (I’ve definitely noticed a difference between eating whole chickpeas and hummus).
